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urania sashays through Côte d'Azur |
By Comrade Marienka
Last Friday, the missing comrade parents were located in Minsk trying to catch a flight to Florida after having disappeared for two weeks. Although asked nicely to return to the dacha to reclaim their children and the hordes of dogs, cats, goats, and one stray pig, the comrade parents were firm. “We love our children, no,” said Mstislav Chaucerov, president of the Comrade Peasant Chaucerian Society, “but until April is redeclared the cruelest mouth, we will continue to strike.”
It looked as if tense and prolonged negotiations might be in order until Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova showed up with her Soviet-issue iron skillet in hand. “I beat head until parent see light. I no care about cruel month. Any month with comrade children is cruel.” Pyotr Kopunkov of the local DC (Dacha Constabulary) remarked, “Comrade Nezvanova can be most convincing.” The comrade children, their dogs, cats, and goats have bid farewell to Beloved and have returned to the homes of their nativity. No one has claimed the stray pig. An unnamed source told Long Dark Teatimes that Comrade Nezvanova is quite disgruntled about the pig's presence at the dacha. When asked, Comrade Nezvanova responded tartly, “I know nada about this disgruntle. That pig he gruntled. He soon be bacon if no one claims.” Beloved has remonstrated with the strong-willed comrade housekeeper. “This will send urania into a relapse. She doesn't like bacon and she cries when pigs die.” Retorted Comrade Nezvanova, “If Comrade urania like pig so much, she come home and take care of. This pig vicious. It bite many people. I kick in snout.”
As for urania, she is currently sashaying about the Côte d'Azur where she has been seen frequently in the company of the Earl of Macintosh much to the apparent gruntlement of Baron von Kindle, who merely grunts unintelligible curses under his breath when anyone brings up the Earl's name. Lady Eugenia Eugenica-Zwisherstufen, longtime friend of urania, confirmed she entertained urania, Baron von Kindle, and the Earl of Macintosh at her stately mansion in the Côte d'Azur this week. Asked about the presence of the Earl of Macintosh with the famous twosome, Lady Eugenia Eugenica-Zwisherstufen replied, “urania is always bringing barons and earls to my famous stately mansions. I really can't say more. These barons, these earls, they all start to look alike after a while-you know tallish, darkish, and apparently male, although these days one can never be sure.” A guest who asked not to be identified overheard the E. of M., invite urania to his "pad" to look at his apps. Said the unidentified guest, “I don't think the Baron von Kindle cares for this kind of earlish behavior. He stood by the bar all evening, twirling his mustache and drinking quantities of absinthe.” A distant relative of the Baron, Alice Cholmondeley Newton nee Nookie, who did ask to be identified, said, “He's been so totally, you know, Balzacian of late. I saw him this morning holding a copy of Ursule Mirouët. I mean, who reads a book like that. It's so totally outré. I think he must be, like, mad.”
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Aristotle Dayton days before his death |
Mournful memorial service held
By Comrade Staff Person Anon.
A memorial service was held yesterday for Aristotle Dayton, who died last year under deeply disturbing and suspicious circumstances. According to his friends, Aristotle had seemed distracted and worried for several months before his death. He was seen several times at the Prufrock Toast and Tea Room in the company of one Vlad Vsevolod believed to work for a Transylvanian crime syndicate. “It was all just so terrible,” sobbed Adelaide Psmith the fiancée of young Aristotle. One day he was a perfectly ordinary math genius. And then he meets this Vlad person. I don't know what happened, but his hair never returned to its normal position.”
According to colleagues at Harvard, in the last month of his life, Aristotle became intransigently mute and spent his days madly scribbling incomprehensible equations on the backs of shopping lists. So advanced was his mania for shopping lists, that he loitered in grocery stores, usually by the grapefruits. When an unsuspecting matron arrived, Dayton would quickly unzip his pants, and while the hitherto unsuspecting matron screamed he would seize her grocery list and leg it for the nearest exit.
A brilliant young mathematician and part-time detective, Euphrosyne Newton (the last female link to the brilliant Lady Fig Newton) is convinced that Aristotle Dayton's final mad scribblings were anything but mad; rather, she believes they were coded messages. She could not be reached for comment.
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Cornikens in his Soho library |
Prostrate perturbances in Soho love nest
By Comrade Overcoat (filling in for missing Comrade Davushka)
Cornikens (Aloysius Balthazar Cornelius Mucus to his colleagues) collapsed in his Soho apartment today after receiving a letter from former colleague Schneida von Schnacken. Said Teddy Mucus-Smythe-Mucus his long-time lover and co-owner of Soho's vintage Tupperware gallery, T. Septimus Glass, “In the interests of delicacy, diplomacy, discretion, devotion, and decorum, I cannot talk about the contents of the letter. All I can say is relations between Cornikens and Schneida have been vexed for years.” The vexatious relationship dates back to the days when Cornikens was a Professor of English and Popular Culture at UNYU.
In an infamous rencontre between Cornikens and von Schnacken at the annual MLA (Modern Language Association) conference, von Schnacken accused Cornikens of covert Derridean deceit for identifying a Tupperware cake holder as a cheap Transylvanian imitation. At the time Cornikens was presenting a paper entitled “Tupperware and the Erotics of Polyethylene Populism in 1960s America.” Cornikens denied the accusation but subsequently resigned from his job at UNYU.
Cornikens is currently recovering in his sumptuous library and reading Murder at the MLA.
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Have you seen Comrade Davushka? |
News Flash . . .
Comrade editor Davushka mysteriously vanished last Monday while investigating a lead about a missing pig who goes by the name Bella Ella. Consternation and worriment awoke when he did not return to the Dark Tea Times office to file his report. A local comrade peasant reported seeing a mysterious stranger entering Comrade Davushka's humble Soviet-issue apartment. Said the terrified comrade peasant who asked not to be identified, “That stranger, he be Transylvanian crime boss. I know. Those Transylvanian crime bosses all look same. Mysterious.” When the local DC entered Comrade Davushka's apartment, they found a highlighted copy of “The Night before Christmas” on his kitchen table and a hoof-marked note signed “Vixen.” Dacha Constabulary officials have refused to divulge the contents of the note.
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Fashions to Faint For
Christmas is just a week away and you obviously
have not been looking for the present that will please her best. Fashions to Faint For does not support those who do their holiday shopping forty-five minutes before tasteful boutiques close on Christmas Eve. We believe such people should take up knitting. Thus our policy is to stop all appointments at some random time in this final week before Christmas. This date will not be announced. Madame Urania Chanel-Newtoniere will simply leave for her holiday at an unnamed exclusive location in Switzerland . . . when you're not looking. So don't delay. Come today. If you're fortunate, you may be able to get an appointment.
Fashions to Faint For is open by appointment only.
Contact Madame Urania de Chanel-Newtoniere.
