Sudden departure leaves all in tizzy

Jarek Nǎdra denies allegations of Kinkaid forgeries.

By Comrade Editor Marienka

Meanwhile back at the dacha, urania has been conspicuously absent. Semi-reliable witnesses reported last seeing her late this afternoon decamping in a troika shouting “Czech Republic or Bust.”  Exactly what she meant by this enigmatic comment was difficult to decipher.  Earlier in the day, she had been observed reading a treatise on “foundation” garments entitled The Corset: A Cultural History.  Has she become a purveyor of foundation garments?  True, her name has been linked with that of Jarek Ňadra, the famous Czech bra designer and rumored forger of Thomas Kincaid paintings, but close friends and longtime enemies resolutely denied urania would ever stoop to selling bras, no matter how bad the economy or how desperate her personal finances.  “I’ve known Ms Baggage since she was born,” said Mrs. Martha Mucus relic of the late Henry “Commodore” Mucus.  “She scandalized her entire family by burning her bras at boarding school.  As far as I know, she has not worn a bra since, not even when her sainted aunt Louise Pickens went down on her knees and promised that child a healthy trust fund if only she would please wear a bra.  Why that shameless little hussy said she would rather scrub toilets at Howard Johnson’s than ever wear a bra again.”  L’affaire remains a mystery.  The only clue . . . urania did take those intrepid Welsh terrorists Wilkie and Ceilidh with her.  For some time they have been perfecting the art of biting popes on the butt; however, the Vatican denied that any visits to the Czech Republic by His Royal Popeness have been planned. “Urania? We speak not to this Urania,” said Vatican spokesman Luigi Del Monte.

Will Cornikens survive another collapse?

Exploding eggs in Soho love nest

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

Cornikens (Aloysius Balthazar Cornelius Mucus to his colleagues) has once again suffered a nervous collapse and has retired to the linen closet to read Real Live Boyfriends.  Alas, insiders say the book was not quite what he expected although Teddy Musus-Psmythe-Mucus, his long-time lover and co-owner of Soho's vintage Tupperware gallery T. Septimus Glass, was somewhat offended.  “He slam door when he come into shop,” said Vera Pol, the innocent Czech lass who works at T. Septimus Glass. “I think he no like this talk of boyfriends. I cry if Natasha start reading book Real Live Girl Friends.”  (Natasha is the lover Vera left behind in the Czech Republic.) Inside sources say Teddy has more on his mind than Corniken’s latest collapse.  The ATTA (American Tupperware and Tea Association) conference is just around the corner, and Teddy and the Throes (his nephew Ludovic's band) have not contacted him or shown up for rehearsal.

Nora Velvet, lead singer and didgeridoo player for ATTA Grrls is furious.  She has been pitching fits and leather panties for the last week.  How are we supposed to coordinate if this numbskull Dostoevsky-reading IDIOT refuses to show up for practice? What a nepotistical nitwit. And ‘nepotistical’ is too a word. So there ‘Mr. Ludovic Got-My-Nose-in-the-Air Mucus.’  I hope you drown.”  Teddy has been sighing a lot.  “I’m just going to go home and reread A Near Thing for Captain Najork and How Tom Beat Captain Najork and His Hired Sportsmen.  My brain needs a rest.”  “If that nepotistical uncle of ‘Mr. Ludovic Got-My-Nose-in-the-Air Mucus’ rests his brain any more he’ll be comatose,” retorted Nora Velvet. Apparently Teddy’s reading did not relax his brain as he absentmindedly stuck two eggs in the microwave and set the timer for five minutes.  Explosions followed.

 Oh dear, oh dear.  Will the ATTA Conference come off smoothly?  The situation looks darkly dire and unpromising at the moment.

Comrade Overcoat (right) drinking 

something other than tea from samovar.

Notes from the underground

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

“I do not think Comrade editor Marienka is pleased with Comrade Davushka's absence,” said Comrade Overcoat.  She’s been slamming lots of doors lately and muttering about a certain comrade who needs to get his bohunkus back to Russia. Confidentially, I always suspected that Comrade editor in absentia Davushka was a bit too dazzled by oligarchs and crime lords.  And this André person?  It all sounds very suspicious and below board to me . . . underground in fact.  I shall shortly be taking notes.” Rumor has it that Comrade Overcoat is trying to assume sole editorship of the Dark Tea Times.  “Editor schmeditor,” Comrade housekeeper Natasha Nezvanova told the Dark Tea Times.  “I know idiot when I see idiot.  Comrade Overcoat he idiot.  And he need to wash overcoat.  It stink.  I hit over head with skillet and maybe sue.  I think hit over head with skillet better.”
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