Saturday, February 12, 2011

Beleaguered Beloved throws up hands in despair

Welsh terrorist Wilkie threatens to jump if no rumen
By Comrade Editor Marienka

Dacha goats continue to reproduce at alarming rates. “I don’t know where they’re coming from,” said a bewildered Beloved. “I go out to chop wood, and when I get back there are five more baby goats running around the dacha.” Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova just sniffed. “Comrade Beloved, he naïf. He think baby goat fall from sky. Mama goat, she jump fence with papa goat and they do goat things in woodshed. Five months later baby goat fall from mama goat and start running round my kitchen. I thwack goat over head with iron skillet if they no stop running around my kitchen. I cook maybe. Goat taste good. Comrade Beloved, he need finish bigger goat barn soon. Dacha no place for goat.” To further compound the chaos, the Welsh terrorists have begun a campaign for a rumen of their own.

As for urania, an unidentified comrade peasant reported she fell into a two-day faint after finding nannyberries on her favorite Fortuny dress. Beloved and the wicked but seductive Baron von Kindle had to keep dusting nannyberries off of her lest she suffocate under the profusion of these goat gifts. She has once again departed with the wicked but seductive Baron von Kindle in tow. “I cannot, I will not, continue to tolerate the goat situation in this house. I am no Mrs. Carl Sandburg.”  Mrs. Carl Sandburg late wife of the even later poet Carl Sandburg was famous for keeping goats in the house.

According to urania’s spokesperson Jarek Ňadra (sometime bra designer for the glitterati), urania has headed off to an unidentified spa to partake of the healing waters after straining her back on her Soviet issue fainting couch while reading Fyodor Sologub’s “The Girl Who Would Not Learn.” Sources close to urania are crying “reading ruse.” Mrs. Martha Mucus relic of the late Henry “Commodore” Mucus and aunt of the mysteriously missing woman remarked, “That girl has never missed an opportunity to learn what she shouldn’t. If you ask me, something other than reading was happening on that fainting couch.”

Lady Eugenia Eugenica-Zwisherstufen longtime friend of urania confirmed she entertained urania and one Baron von Kindle at her stately mansion in an unidentified location near an unidentified spa. “I’m not sure to which branch of the von Kindle family the Baron is related,” she said. I assume he’s a legitimate baron, but one can never be sure. There are so many Baron von Kindles running around these days. They simply cannot all be barons. Sources close to urania report she and the baron seemed quite attached. She took him everywhere even to the baths,” said a spa employee who asked not to be identified.

Bath attendants deny having seen urania there; however, they did report that Mrs. Martha Mucus was seen emerging from the steam-powered vibrator room at the spa looking less sour than usual. Mrs. Mucus disavowed any sexual congress with the machine. “I am receiving medical treatment for a wandering womb,” she said. At this time, the location of the womb is unknown. Mrs. Mucus reportedly was so pleased with the treatment she ordered a smaller, electrical home model for herself.
News Flash . . .

A recent update from the highly regarded newspaper Dark Tea Times reports some friction between urania and the Baron over Oblomov. It seems he gave her an abridged version of the book. “I feel deeply saddened and betrayed,” said urania. “From now on, I shall tend to my garden. As for the vicious rumors circulating about my activities during my vacation from the dacha, I can only say this: May the instigators live in interesting times. As for me, I am currently immersed in reading high-minded literature and discussing the hermeneutics of suspicion with the Earl of Macintosh.  As for Baron von Kindle, I have no idea where he is. Probably off somewhere reading a Nora Roberts novel.” An anonymous source revealed the wicked but seductive Baron has been reading Goodnight Desdemona, Hello Juliet
Baron von Kindle could not be reached for comment.
Rev. Anil B. Lessing removed from ATTA Conference 
keynote address  for raising ruckus.

Leather panties a sensation at ATTA conference
By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

The January 23rd ATTAC (American Tupperware and Tea Association) Conference was huge a success with the exception of a few minor blips.  Cornikens (Cornelius Aloysius Balthazar Mucus to his colleagues) contracted a raging case of laryngitis, which rendered him speechless for two weeks and unable to deliver the keynote address at the conference.  This duty fell to his arch-rival Schneida von Snacken, who delivered a controversial speech in which she claimed that the famous burping Tupperware allowed frustrated fifties housewives an opportunity to imitate gassy while still being classy. 

Her comment caused a minor uproar in row Q seat 39 occupied by Rev. Anil B. Lessing minister of the Church of the Holy Glowing Water in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. “Jezebel,” he roared at Professor Von Snacken.  “Tupperware is the last bastion against communism, the devil, and democrats in the latter days, of which I might add today is one.”  Rev. Lessing had to be escorted out of the auditorium by the ATTA Grrls, who know how to use their black belts and leather panties when need be.  Professor Snacken remained disdainfully calm throughout the ruckus.   

“Shame on him,” said Mrs. Irma Geddon after the talk was over. “Every women likes to pass a little gas now and then.  It’s good for the digestion.  Why I pass gas at least ten times a day, and my daughter Aurelia says, ‘Momma you could digest nails if you needed to.’ Nothing communist bout that. And I don’t reckon I was one of those fools running up a deficient over the right to gas back in 2001.”

T. Septimus Glass, Soho’s purveyor of fine vintage Tupperware did an excellent business as did the Prufrock Toast and Tea Room.  Indeed, the Prufrock Toast and Tea Room had to call in extra help to handle the hordes of toast-hungry ATTA Conference attendees.  Miniver Cheevy and friends postponed a planned Anti-Teaparty demonstration in Vermont to help Bob O’Lardy, prodigy toast chef and owner of the famous Soho tea establishment. “Bob’s a great guy,” said Cheevy. “We want to make the name of his tearoom fragrant.” Asked about Cheevy's vote of confidence for the tearoom, O’Lardy responded gloomily, “That’s nice, but the name’s Rob not Bob.  I’m not bitter though.”

By far the most popular event, however, was the ATTA Grrls concert.  The ATTA Grrls, who had to handle the whole show as the lead band Teddy and the Throes failed to appear, literally played their leather panties off.  An enthusiastic crowd responded by hurling leather panties onto the stage. “This is better than reading Nightingale Wood,” shouted an enthusiastic Mrs. Irma Geddon of Maryville, Tennessee during the noisy intermission.

The ATTA Conference gift shop did a booming business selling commemorative leather panties autographed by the ATTA Grrls. “I bought me ten pairs of them leather panties,” said Mrs. Irma Geddon, “one for me and a pair for my sisters Pansy, Daisy, Violet, Rose, Phlox, Tulip, Hyacinth, and my two daughters Aurelia and Dianthus. Dianthus, she is an odd one. She ran off at sixteen and got herself a scholarship to Cooper Union where that young Ludovic Mucus went. She designed sets (or so she says) for a film of his called Poor Folk.  With a title like that I reckon it must have been porn, but I don’t like to ask for mother’s sake.  She goes into a coma every time Dianthus does something abnormal. Then we all have to walk around on tiptoe so we won’t wake her.  Momma’s a hard woman when she first comes round from one of her comas.


Fashions to Faint For

The true homme du monde knows that no lady should ever settle for a mere box of chocolates and roses on Valentine’s Day.  While it true that roses are red and the best Belgian chocolate is good, your love needs to know you treasure her.  And what better way of letting your jewel know what a jewel she is than with a gift of jewelry, preferably Lalique?

Open by appointment only.
Contact Madame Urania Chanel de Newtonière.

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