Is the dacha doomed?

Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova without 

her iron head-thwacking skillet

By Comrade Editor Marienka

According to inside sources, dark doings have hit the dacha. Last Sunday, the fair urania’s beloved computer Diotima began to behave in a strange fashion. “One minute it was off, and the next it turned itself on. It started to speak in some unknown language that did not sound friendly,” reported Beloved. Comrade peasant Tatiana Chaucerova, crack computer expert and wife to the illustrious Comrade peasant Mstislov Chaucerov president of the Comrade Peasant Chaucerian Society, was called in to investigate. “Not good,” she said. I know immediately the computer it cursed. It erected own firewall.” 


This mysterious otherworldly firewall resisted all attempts by the world’s best hackers to breach. “This is no ordinary firewall,” commented Stephen J. Hacking, president of the Hacking Coughers, who worked closely with Comrade peasant Chaucerova. “It emits dangerous combinations of 0s and 1s that can only be described as diabolic foul play. No human wrote the code.”

At approximately 1:00 am on Tuesday morning, the computer gave a mighty belch and exploded. Thus far the mystery remains unsolved though local DC (Dacha Constabulary) officials have several suspects under surveillance.

On being informed of the tragedy, urania immediately rushed back from the Czech Republic to which she had decamped precipitously a few days earlier. Upon arrival, she rushed to Diotima (or what remained of her), shrieked and collapsed on her Soviet-issue fainting couch. Prostrate with grief, she has remained inconsolable despite the best efforts of Beloved and the Baron von Kindle to cheer her. Beloved, at great sacrifice to his bank account, has obtained a new computer for urania, but she can scarcely bring herself to look at it. “It does strange things,” she reported. “It demands I install demons in it. Who wants demons in one’s computer? Besides it does not even have a name, and if it did I fear the name would be ominous.”

Great Aunt Martha Mucus relic of the late Henry “Commodore” Mucus made a brief appearance to provide bracing, if unwanted, advice and company. “You spend entirely too much time on that fainting couch reading trashy literature. Now get up and install those demons right now or I shall thwack you with my reticule.” urania’s tears flowed harder and local comrade peasants had to be called in to play soothing balalaika music for her, while the Welsh terrorist howled in sympathy. In the ensuing noise, with the howling Welsh terrorists, the weeping urania, the soothing balalaika music, and one infuriating aunt, someone (we know not who) installed demons on the computer. Needless to say, urania is distraught.

Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova has remained stoic throughout the crisis. “Computer,” she said, “no worry. Computer explode always. I no believe conspiracy. And fowl play? That for chickens. I hit everybody over head with iron skillet if they no stop this noise.”

Today, the local comrade peasants held a funeral service for the dearly missed Diotima. They erected a large snow statue of Emma Goldman by the burial site and wrote in the snow the epitaph “Dance in peace Diotima.” Needless to say, urania wept through the entire service.

After the service, the wicked but seductive Baron von Kindle presented urania with two copies of Doctor Glas, one in English and the other in Swedish. On reading about the loathsome Gregorius and the perpetually gloomy Glas, urania rose from her fainting couch of woe and announced, “I shall never be happy again.”

A goat coming in from the cold

Snow crisis at dacha

By Comrade Guest Reporter Tatiana Chaucerova

If deaths, demons, and great aunts have not been enough, the temperature has plunged precipitously to depths unexpected even by local comrade peasants used to the cold. Early this morning it looked as if the local cattle might freeze in the field if not moved to warmer quarters, so the dacha has been turned into a temporary animal hostel. All the furniture has been moved to the lumber-room with the exception of urania’s Soviet-issue fainting couch, for which Beloved and the Baron have erected a platform. Although an efficacious solution for keeping away the cows, horse, and sheep, the goats keep climbing up on it and leaving unwanted presents on the couch. To make matters worse, the littlest goat, Mia Sofia ate urania’s copy of The Idiot, an event about which urania was not most pleased. Although Baron von Kindle promised her a new one, urania announced petulantly that she wanted her old one. “How can one even mourn properly with all these cattle,” she said and flounced off to lumber room locking the door behind her. Beloved was forced to stop reading Sheep and Goat Medicine and plead with her to come out lest she starve. Doctors are pessimistic about her health.

Prodigy toast chef Bob O'Lardy is not bitter

about tearoom riot.

Racous rioting temporarily closes tearoom

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

The Prufrock Toast and Tea Room reopened today after a Wednesday morning fracas that resulted in shattered china, broken sugar bowls, and a very sticky floor. The damage occurred during an anti-Teaparty demonstration at the esteemed Soho tea establishment. “We were having a self-righteous time hurling china and sugar bowls when one of our members noted there were no copies of Ayn Rand in the establishment,” said Miniver Cheevy president, co-president, and chair of the Manhattan CATNIP Association (Citizens Against Teaparty Nattering in Public). “When I found a copy of T. S. Eliot’s The Wasteland on a table by the window, I knew we had the wrong place. No Teaparty member would stand in the same room with The Wasteland. They even get twitchy when copies of Ezra Pound poems are in the room. And how silly is that? We apologized to Bob and promised not to do it again. You know, sometimes we just have to weep that we were ever born,” Cheevy concluded.

Prufrock Toast and Tearoom proprietor and chef de toast Bob O’Lardy responded, “Actually the name is Rob, but I’m not bitter. What are a few china fragments shored against our ruin? Really I’m not bitter.” Anti-Teaparty demonstrators rallied round, spending the rest of the day moping floors, laundering tea clothes, and gluing china together. I think Bob will have to admit we did a bang-up job putting the place to rights,” said Cheevy.

“Well . . . the teacups are bit leaky, but they did send several nice pots of hyacinths,” said Bob. “And by the way my name is Rob, but I’m not bitter.” Bob later retired to the larder perhaps to eat a peach.

Vera Pol, an innocent Czech lass and frequent customer at the tearoom, said “I not like Teaparty people,” she said. They spoil parties by reading sections of U.S. Constitution. Not so bad if they understand what they read and not mispronounce words.” And all that ‘refudiating.’ What this ‘refudiate’? I not find world in OED. I write Natasha and see if she know word.” Natasha is Vera's lover over whom she spends much time weeping while dusting Tupperware at T. Septimus Glass, Soho's vintage Tupperware gallery.

We wish Bob the best of luck on the reopening of the Prufrock Toast and Tearoom.

Dark Tea Times book reviewer, Comrade 

Overcoat alleged perpetrator of missing 

person hoax

Horrible hoax exposed

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

The Dark Tea Times is happy to announce the return of Comrade editor Davushka. It turns out his disappearance, the mysterious letter signed Vixen, and the letter from Odessa were all part of an elaborate hoax believed to have been carried out by Comrade Overcoat. In the interests of objectivity Comrade editors Marienka and Davushka declined to elaborate on the details of the alleged disappearance of Comrade editor Davusha. The DC is continuing its investigation, however. “The hoax, if hoax indeed it is, is far too elaborate for a man of Comrade reviewer Overcoat’s IQ. Obviously he had help, said DC official Pyotr Kopunkov. Comrade Overcoat denied all allegations. “I have been framed. Something is fishy about this investigation. What we need is total transparency, something I might add the Dark Tea Times is short on,” commented Comrade Overcoat upon leaving DC offices after questioning. “I will say no more. At the moment I am on the trail of a man named Copperfield, David Copperfield. I am also reading The Secret History of Moscow. I am convinced that all the clues to this mystery are there and that Comrade editor Davushka will be exposed for trafficking in fake Tupperware.”
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