Tupperware convention no cause for Thanksgiving

Cornikins Mucus in happier days

By Comrade Editors Marienka and Davushka

Today an anonymous source revealed that Cornikins Mucus is currently suffering from a complete nervous collapse due to the upcoming pressure of hosting the annual Thanksgiving gathering of the Mucus clan, leaving Teddy Mucus-Smythe-Mucus, his long-time lover and co-owner of Soho's vintage Tupperware gallery, T. Septimus Glass, to shop for the Thanksgiving gala as well as finalize details for the annual ATTA (American Tupperware and Tea Association) Convention to be held in January.

Rumor has it that relations between “ATTA Grrls” and “Teddy and the Throes,” the two bands scheduled to play at the annual ATTA dance, have become increasingly tense over the last month. Yesterday, ATTA Grrl's lead singer Nora Velvet hurled her leather panties at Teddy accusing him of “nepotistical favoritism.”  Teddy's nephew Leonard “Ludovic” Mucus is the composer and lead singer for Teddy and the Throes.  When questioned, a flustered Teddy said, “It's all just a tempest in a Thanksgiving teapot. The whole affair will be forgotten by the Ides of March.”

Young Ludovic seemed unworried. “Nepotistical,” he asked, “Is that a word?” None of the other Throes could be reached for comment. Meanwhile ATTA officials are investigating possible wrong doing on the part of Mr. Mucus Smythe-Mucus.

Asked how he was managing the stress, Teddy replied? I read a chapter of Illyrian Spring each night before going to bed. How does he find the time? “I have an excellent assistant at the gallery, Ms. Vera Pol,” Teddy said.

How fortunate during this tsamni of turmoil, tension, and possible turpitude, Vera Pol, an innocent Czech lass who normally dusts Tupperware at the gallery, has stepped up to the plate and is running T. Septimus Glass almost single-handedly these days.

Welsh terrorist Wilkie goes ballistic . . . again.

Meanwhile, back at the Dacha . . .

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

Sparks flew at the Dacha last Wednesday after Welsh terrorist Wilkie uncovered a chemistry set in a dusty corner of the Dacha lumber room and started “experimenting.”  “Bombs, bombs everywhere. World War III, no,” said an unidentified comrade peasant.  It is unclear how the chemistry set got in the lumber room in the first place.  According to Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova, former eponymous heroine of Dostoevsky's unfinished novel, Beloved gave urania the chemistry set last Christmas. “Chemistry set,” sniffed Comrade Nezvanova, “Comrade Beloved, he know nada.  If he my husband, I come after him with iron skillet. He learn fast how to choose gift for lady.”

Fortunately urania's Soviet-issue fainting couch escaped unscathed, although a roof beam fell smashing a rare Sevres tea service personally commissioned by Louis XV and presented to Lady Urania Fig Newton in 1763.  “Nothing that a little Elmer's Glue and duct tape won't fix,” said Beloved about the tea service.  As for the roof beam, “I should be able to get it up and working in an hour so.”

Comrade Nezvanova expressed doubt. “Hour,” she scoffed. “Comrade Beloved building dacha for 20 year. It still have no cabinet door.  I no look for cabinet door or roof in my life.  He work maybe 40 more year, he still not finish cabinet door or roof beam.”

As for Welsh terrorist Wilkie, Beloved said, “I found a copy of Winner-Take-All Politics: How Washington Made the Rich Richer—and Turned Its Back on the Middle Classes in his room. We try to keep political literature away from him. It raises his blood pressure and sometimes the roof beams. But I guess I just slipped up this time.”

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