Merry Christmas

Couple with Christmas Tree, Otto Lendecke, c. 1913

Merry Christmas from 

all of us to all of you

Comrade Editor Marienka
Comrade Editor Davushka (still missing)
Comrade Staff Person Anon.
Comrade Overcoat
Comrade Undercover
Beloved
urania
Baron von Kindle
Comrade Housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova
The Welsh Terrorists
Cornikens
Teddy
Aunt Ida
Teddy and the Throes


and of course . . . Great Aunt Martha

More mayhem at the dacha

urania sashays through Côte d'Azur

By Comrade Marienka

Last Friday, the missing comrade parents were located in Minsk trying to catch a flight to Florida after having disappeared for two weeks.  Although asked nicely to return to the dacha to reclaim their children and the hordes of dogs, cats, goats, and one stray pig, the comrade parents were firm.  “We love our children, no,” said Mstislav Chaucerov, president of the Comrade Peasant Chaucerian Society, “but until April is redeclared the cruelest mouth, we will continue to strike.” 

It looked as if tense and prolonged negotiations might be in order until Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova showed up with her Soviet-issue iron skillet in hand. “I beat head until parent see light.  I no care about cruel month.  Any month with comrade children is cruel.”  Pyotr Kopunkov of the local DC (Dacha Constabulary) remarked, “Comrade Nezvanova can be most convincing.” The comrade children, their dogs, cats, and goats have bid farewell to Beloved and have returned to the homes of their nativity.  No one has claimed the stray pig. An unnamed source told Long Dark Teatimes that Comrade Nezvanova is quite disgruntled about the pig's presence at the dacha. When asked, Comrade Nezvanova responded tartly, “I know nada about this disgruntle.  That pig he gruntled.  He soon be bacon if no one claims.”  Beloved has remonstrated with the strong-willed comrade housekeeper.  “This will send urania into a relapse.  She doesn't like bacon and she cries when pigs die.” Retorted Comrade Nezvanova, “If Comrade urania like pig so much, she come home and take care of.  This pig vicious.  It bite many people. I kick in snout.”

As for urania, she is currently sashaying about the Côte d'Azur where she has been seen frequently in the company of the Earl of Macintosh much to the apparent gruntlement of Baron von Kindle, who merely grunts unintelligible curses under his breath when anyone brings up the Earl's name.  Lady Eugenia Eugenica-Zwisherstufen, longtime friend of urania, confirmed she entertained urania, Baron von Kindle, and the Earl of Macintosh at her stately mansion in the Côte d'Azur this week.  Asked about the presence of the Earl of Macintosh with the famous twosome, Lady Eugenia Eugenica-Zwisherstufen replied, “urania is always bringing barons and earls to my famous stately mansions.  I really can't say more.  These barons, these earls, they all start to look alike after a while-you know tallish, darkish, and apparently male, although these days one can never be sure.”  A guest who asked not to be identified overheard the E. of M., invite urania to his "pad" to look at his apps.  Said the unidentified guest, “I don't think the Baron von Kindle cares for this kind of earlish behavior. He stood by the bar all evening, twirling his mustache and drinking quantities of absinthe.”  A distant relative of the Baron, Alice Cholmondeley Newton nee Nookie, who did ask to be identified, said, “He's been so totally, you know, Balzacian of late.  I saw him this morning holding a copy of Ursule Mirouët. I mean, who reads a book like that. It's so totally outré. I think he must be, like, mad.”

Aristotle Dayton days before his death

Mournful memorial service held

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

A memorial service was held yesterday for Aristotle Dayton, who died last year under deeply disturbing and suspicious circumstances.  According to his friends, Aristotle had seemed distracted and worried for several months before his death.  He was seen several times at the Prufrock Toast and Tea Room in the company of one Vlad Vsevolod believed to work for a Transylvanian crime syndicate.  “It was all just so terrible,” sobbed Adelaide Psmith the fiancée of young Aristotle.  One day he was a perfectly ordinary math genius. And then he meets this Vlad person.  I don't know what happened, but his hair never returned to its normal position.” 

According to colleagues at Harvard, in the last month of his life, Aristotle became intransigently mute and spent his days madly scribbling incomprehensible equations on the backs of shopping lists. So advanced was his mania for shopping lists, that he loitered in grocery stores, usually by the grapefruits. When an unsuspecting matron arrived, Dayton would quickly unzip his pants, and while the hitherto unsuspecting matron screamed he would seize her grocery list and leg it for the nearest exit.

A brilliant young mathematician and part-time detective, Euphrosyne Newton (the last female link to the brilliant Lady Fig Newton) is convinced that Aristotle Dayton's final mad scribblings were anything but mad; rather, she believes they were coded messages. She could not be reached for comment.

Cornikens in his Soho library

Prostrate perturbances in Soho love nest

By Comrade Overcoat (filling in for missing Comrade Davushka)

Cornikens (Aloysius Balthazar Cornelius Mucus to his colleagues) collapsed in his Soho apartment today after receiving a letter from former colleague Schneida von Schnacken.  Said Teddy Mucus-Smythe-Mucus his long-time lover and co-owner of Soho's vintage Tupperware gallery, T. Septimus Glass, “In the interests of delicacy, diplomacy, discretion, devotion, and decorum, I cannot talk about the contents of the letter.  All I can say is relations between Cornikens and Schneida have been vexed for years.” The vexatious relationship dates back to the days when Cornikens was a Professor of English and Popular Culture at UNYU.

In an infamous rencontre between Cornikens and von Schnacken at the annual MLA (Modern Language Association) conference, von Schnacken accused Cornikens of covert Derridean deceit for identifying a Tupperware cake holder as a cheap Transylvanian imitation. At the time Cornikens was presenting a paper entitled “Tupperware and the Erotics of Polyethylene Populism in 1960s America.” Cornikens denied the accusation but subsequently resigned from his job at UNYU.

Cornikens is currently recovering in his sumptuous library and reading Murder at the MLA.

Have you seen Comrade Davushka?

News Flash . . .


Comrade editor Davushka mysteriously vanished last Monday while investigating a lead about a missing pig who goes by the name Bella Ella.  Consternation and worriment awoke when he did not return to the Dark Tea Times office to file his report.  A local comrade peasant reported seeing a mysterious stranger entering Comrade Davushka's humble Soviet-issue apartment. Said the terrified comrade peasant who asked not to be identified, “That stranger, he be Transylvanian crime boss.  I know. Those Transylvanian crime bosses all look same. Mysterious.”  When the local DC entered Comrade Davushka's apartment, they found a highlighted copy of “The Night before Christmas” on his kitchen table and a hoof-marked note signed “Vixen.” Dacha Constabulary officials have refused to divulge the contents of the note.
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Fashions to Faint For

Christmas is just a week away and you obviously have not been looking for the present that will please her best.  Fashions to Faint For does not support those who do their holiday shopping forty-five minutes before tasteful boutiques close on Christmas Eve.  We believe such people should take up knitting.  Thus our policy is to stop all appointments at some random time in this final week before Christmas.  This date will not be announced. Madame Urania Chanel-Newtoniere will simply leave for her holiday at an unnamed exclusive location in Switzerland . . . when you're not looking.  So don't delay.  Come today.  If you're fortunate, you may be able to get an appointment.

Fashions to Faint For is open by appointment only.
Contact Madame Urania de Chanel-Newtoniere.

Annual Mucus gathering fraught with tension

Clara Psmith before Jude Mucus jumped.

By Comrade Editors Marienka and Davushka

Having drawn the short straw once again, Cornikins (known in professional circles as Aloysius Balthazar Cornelius Mucus) and his long time lover Teddy hosted the annual Mucus family Thanksgiving dinner.  The Vermont Mucuses, headed by family matriarch Great Aunt Martha Mucus (relic of the late Henry “Commodore” Mucus) attended.  The Pennsylvania Psmiths (who came over on the Mayflower but under a different name) also made an appearance, as did dear old Aunt Ida of the Oklahoma Mucuses. 

Unsurprisingly, tensions were rife as Great Aunt Martha Mucus and Cousin Clara Psmith refused to acknowledge each other’s presence.  The mutual enmity between the two parties dates back twenty years when that irresponsible rake Jude Mucus refused to seduce Cousin Clara. (He jumped out a window after Clara had maneuvered him onto the bearskin rug in the library.)  

Asked if she had any comment about the longstanding quarrel, Great Aunt Martha replied, “If you knew Clara as I do, you would have jumped too.” Cousin Clara was equally forthcoming. “In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we should not speak ill of the dead”—the dead in this case being Jude Mucus who broke his neck after the three-story tumble from the Psmith family mansion. “All I can say is good riddance to Jude Mucus.”  Fortunately Cousin Clara and Great Aunt Martha are on speaking terms with dear old Aunt Ida, although Great Aunt Martha rather condescendingly remarked, “Those Oklahoma Mucuses, poor things, wouldn't know the difference between fine vintage Tupperware and a Rubbermaid container.” 

Asked what he thought about the dinner, Teddy sighed heavily and said, “Thank goodness for dear old Aunt Ida.  She’s such a calming influence at these family events.  And my dear, I simply could not have managed in the kitchen without her.  Her famous pies and her acorn squash casserole—oh my they are simply to die for.”  We have heard Aunt Ida also makes a mean curried chicken.  However, she did not prepare one for the party. “Oh dear,” she said, “I know sweet young Ludovic does like his curry. But I always feel these large family gatherings are hot enough without the curry.”

As usual, the Russian existentialist folk Goth band Teddy and the Throes, led by Ludovic Mucus, performed after dinner.  This year’s selection came from their 2009 hit Cold Christmas.  Admittedly the music was grim and angst-ridden, but last year the prestigious music journal Anharmonics called the songs “Cold Drizzle,” and “Nada, nada, Christmas nada,” the most important contributions to musical history since Beethoven.

Comrade children come in from the cold.

Meanwhile back at the dacha . . .

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

Comrade Beloved was busier than usual this Thanksgiving after opening the dacha to local comrade children whose parents have mysteriously vanished.  The comrade children brought with them an assorted menagerie of goats, chickens, dogs, cats, and one stray pig.”  Comrade Beloved took the situation in stride. “They have to go somewhere,” he said. “I can’t send them to the local kennel, and the poor dears would cry without their pets.”  Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova was less patient. “Comrade Beloved, he do nada. He no cook. I cook. Children no like good Russian borscht and blood pudding. They want decadent western junk food. I feed blood pudding anyway. They complain, I spank.” To maintain her equanimity, Comrade Nezvanova is reading The Shortest Way to Hades.

There is still no word on the missing parents.  “We are looking into the matter,” said an unnamed DC  (Dacha Constabulary) spokesperson.  “Better he look fast, or I come after with iron skillet,” Comrade Nezvanova commented curtly.  “Children and goats all jumping on Comrade urania’s fainting couch.  She no like. Comrade Beloved he be in trouble again.” Welsh terrorist Wilkie of the dreaded Dacha Office of Guerilla Gulag Yaptivities (DOGGY for short) has been seen sniffing around the scene of the crime, if crime indeed it is.


And what about urania? She was last seen at the exclusive French clothing galley Fashions to Faint For, purchasing Fortuny dresses and hand embroidered (by Norwegian nuns) nightwear. “Doctors are optimistic she will recover completely from her ill-fated birthday trauma,” said Jarek Ňadra, urania’s personal spokesperson and sometime bra designer for the glitterati.
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Fashions to Faint For

Fashions to Faint For has just received an exclusive delivery of fashions that will make one faint with delight.  Our Fortuny gowns and French coats are exquisite, destined to become collector’s items by Christmas. One is advised not to delay as Christmas is not far way.

Fashions to Faint For is open by appointment only.

Contact Madame Urania de Chanel-Newtoniere.

Tupperware convention no cause for Thanksgiving

Cornikins Mucus in happier days

By Comrade Editors Marienka and Davushka

Today an anonymous source revealed that Cornikins Mucus is currently suffering from a complete nervous collapse due to the upcoming pressure of hosting the annual Thanksgiving gathering of the Mucus clan, leaving Teddy Mucus-Smythe-Mucus, his long-time lover and co-owner of Soho's vintage Tupperware gallery, T. Septimus Glass, to shop for the Thanksgiving gala as well as finalize details for the annual ATTA (American Tupperware and Tea Association) Convention to be held in January.

Rumor has it that relations between “ATTA Grrls” and “Teddy and the Throes,” the two bands scheduled to play at the annual ATTA dance, have become increasingly tense over the last month. Yesterday, ATTA Grrl's lead singer Nora Velvet hurled her leather panties at Teddy accusing him of “nepotistical favoritism.”  Teddy's nephew Leonard “Ludovic” Mucus is the composer and lead singer for Teddy and the Throes.  When questioned, a flustered Teddy said, “It's all just a tempest in a Thanksgiving teapot. The whole affair will be forgotten by the Ides of March.”

Young Ludovic seemed unworried. “Nepotistical,” he asked, “Is that a word?” None of the other Throes could be reached for comment. Meanwhile ATTA officials are investigating possible wrong doing on the part of Mr. Mucus Smythe-Mucus.

Asked how he was managing the stress, Teddy replied? I read a chapter of Illyrian Spring each night before going to bed. How does he find the time? “I have an excellent assistant at the gallery, Ms. Vera Pol,” Teddy said.

How fortunate during this tsamni of turmoil, tension, and possible turpitude, Vera Pol, an innocent Czech lass who normally dusts Tupperware at the gallery, has stepped up to the plate and is running T. Septimus Glass almost single-handedly these days.

Welsh terrorist Wilkie goes ballistic . . . again.

Meanwhile, back at the Dacha . . .

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

Sparks flew at the Dacha last Wednesday after Welsh terrorist Wilkie uncovered a chemistry set in a dusty corner of the Dacha lumber room and started “experimenting.”  “Bombs, bombs everywhere. World War III, no,” said an unidentified comrade peasant.  It is unclear how the chemistry set got in the lumber room in the first place.  According to Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova, former eponymous heroine of Dostoevsky's unfinished novel, Beloved gave urania the chemistry set last Christmas. “Chemistry set,” sniffed Comrade Nezvanova, “Comrade Beloved, he know nada.  If he my husband, I come after him with iron skillet. He learn fast how to choose gift for lady.”

Fortunately urania's Soviet-issue fainting couch escaped unscathed, although a roof beam fell smashing a rare Sevres tea service personally commissioned by Louis XV and presented to Lady Urania Fig Newton in 1763.  “Nothing that a little Elmer's Glue and duct tape won't fix,” said Beloved about the tea service.  As for the roof beam, “I should be able to get it up and working in an hour so.”

Comrade Nezvanova expressed doubt. “Hour,” she scoffed. “Comrade Beloved building dacha for 20 year. It still have no cabinet door.  I no look for cabinet door or roof in my life.  He work maybe 40 more year, he still not finish cabinet door or roof beam.”

As for Welsh terrorist Wilkie, Beloved said, “I found a copy of Winner-Take-All Politics: How Washington Made the Rich Richer—and Turned Its Back on the Middle Classes in his room. We try to keep political literature away from him. It raises his blood pressure and sometimes the roof beams. But I guess I just slipped up this time.”

This edition was published when you weren't looking.  For updates, wait until you're not looking. Who knows what you'll see.

November is the cruelest month

Beloved's birthday booboo. urania's friends worried.

By Comrade Editor Marienka


In a surprising break with tradition, a local comrade official announced today that henceforth "November will be the cruelest month."  Speculation is rife as to the cause; however, anonymous comrade ministers declined to comment on the grounds that they might become eponymous.

Mstislav Chaucerov, president of the Comrade Peasant Chaucerian Society, filed a complaint with the ministry early this afternoon. "We protest this blasphemous action," Chaucerov said, "and we will resort to hanging size 48 D-cup bras in the trees at the ministry headquarters if necessary."  We sincerely hope it does not come to this. 

On other fronts, it does appear as if November is the cruelest month. Today is dear urania's birthday, but all is not happiness and harmony at the dacha.  Beloved, showing a not unwonted knack for and tact in choosing appropriate birthday gifts, presented urania with a Warner's Rustproof Corset and a card reading, "May you use this day to take stock of your life."  urania collapsed on her Soviet-issue fainting couch in tears. 


At a press conference late this afternoon, Jarek Ňadra, bra designer for the glitterati and urania’s personal spokesperson said, "I fear Paris is the only solution." The wicked but seductive Baron von Kindle is expected to accompany urania on this foray if she recovers.  "Naturally, Beloved's actions were a shock," said Ňadra. "However Baron von Kindle gave her an inscribed edition of a depressing novel by Balzac. That should cheer her up." Mrs. Martha Mucus relic of the late Henry "Commodore" Mucus and great aunt to urania said, "I don't know what all the fuss is about.  That little trollop should have been locked up in a corset years ago to keep her from trolloping down the garden path." Great Aunt Martha declined to reveal which garden path.  We hope it was the right one. 

Book Notes

By Comrade Undercover

Recently, I finished, Bab: A Sub-Deb, a heart-rending story about a young lady, who is a cross between Cassandra of I Capture the Castle fame and Nancy Drew. Although her family and her most unsympathetic older sister construe her innocent actions as indiscretions with THE OTHER SEX, she perseveres. As for Leila, the older sister, she is merely jealous because she cannot manage to land a husband. Altogether Bab is a charming young lady although her orthography leaves much to be desired. And on the subject of debutantes, I have just finished Dorothy Canfield’s The Squirrel Cage, a deeply moving story about a wealthy young debutante, who wishes to live in Thoreau-like simplicity in a one-room shack in the woods. Unfortunately, her family wishes to sacrifice her on THE ALTAR OF HIGH SOCIETY (and a wealthy marriage with the handsome Paul Hollister, an ambitious seeker of filthy lucre).


High times and high tea

By Comrade Editor Davushka

Dear old Aunt Ida Mucus of the Oklahoma Mucuses has invited the entire Mucus clan for high tea to commemorate urania's birthday. Great Aunt Martha has consented to lend her fine china and her silver tea service on the express condition that everyone maintains proper posture during tea. No slouching. Aunt Martha insists it is hard on the fine china and she will be watching everyone like a hawk.

Aunt Ida

Dear old Aunt Ida has baked a beautiful cake and all sorts of sweets and pastries. After tea there will be a poetry reading and a piano recital. We at the DarkTea Times wish Aunt Martha well. In future editions of our paper, we hope to publish some of Aunt Martha's famous recipes lest they vanish in the mists of antiquity forever.