Annual Mucus gathering fraught with tension

Clara Psmith before Jude Mucus jumped.

By Comrade Editors Marienka and Davushka

Having drawn the short straw once again, Cornikins (known in professional circles as Aloysius Balthazar Cornelius Mucus) and his long time lover Teddy hosted the annual Mucus family Thanksgiving dinner.  The Vermont Mucuses, headed by family matriarch Great Aunt Martha Mucus (relic of the late Henry “Commodore” Mucus) attended.  The Pennsylvania Psmiths (who came over on the Mayflower but under a different name) also made an appearance, as did dear old Aunt Ida of the Oklahoma Mucuses. 

Unsurprisingly, tensions were rife as Great Aunt Martha Mucus and Cousin Clara Psmith refused to acknowledge each other’s presence.  The mutual enmity between the two parties dates back twenty years when that irresponsible rake Jude Mucus refused to seduce Cousin Clara. (He jumped out a window after Clara had maneuvered him onto the bearskin rug in the library.)  

Asked if she had any comment about the longstanding quarrel, Great Aunt Martha replied, “If you knew Clara as I do, you would have jumped too.” Cousin Clara was equally forthcoming. “In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we should not speak ill of the dead”—the dead in this case being Jude Mucus who broke his neck after the three-story tumble from the Psmith family mansion. “All I can say is good riddance to Jude Mucus.”  Fortunately Cousin Clara and Great Aunt Martha are on speaking terms with dear old Aunt Ida, although Great Aunt Martha rather condescendingly remarked, “Those Oklahoma Mucuses, poor things, wouldn't know the difference between fine vintage Tupperware and a Rubbermaid container.” 

Asked what he thought about the dinner, Teddy sighed heavily and said, “Thank goodness for dear old Aunt Ida.  She’s such a calming influence at these family events.  And my dear, I simply could not have managed in the kitchen without her.  Her famous pies and her acorn squash casserole—oh my they are simply to die for.”  We have heard Aunt Ida also makes a mean curried chicken.  However, she did not prepare one for the party. “Oh dear,” she said, “I know sweet young Ludovic does like his curry. But I always feel these large family gatherings are hot enough without the curry.”

As usual, the Russian existentialist folk Goth band Teddy and the Throes, led by Ludovic Mucus, performed after dinner.  This year’s selection came from their 2009 hit Cold Christmas.  Admittedly the music was grim and angst-ridden, but last year the prestigious music journal Anharmonics called the songs “Cold Drizzle,” and “Nada, nada, Christmas nada,” the most important contributions to musical history since Beethoven.

Comrade children come in from the cold.

Meanwhile back at the dacha . . .

By Comrade Staff Person Anon.

Comrade Beloved was busier than usual this Thanksgiving after opening the dacha to local comrade children whose parents have mysteriously vanished.  The comrade children brought with them an assorted menagerie of goats, chickens, dogs, cats, and one stray pig.”  Comrade Beloved took the situation in stride. “They have to go somewhere,” he said. “I can’t send them to the local kennel, and the poor dears would cry without their pets.”  Comrade housekeeper Netochka Nezvanova was less patient. “Comrade Beloved, he do nada. He no cook. I cook. Children no like good Russian borscht and blood pudding. They want decadent western junk food. I feed blood pudding anyway. They complain, I spank.” To maintain her equanimity, Comrade Nezvanova is reading The Shortest Way to Hades.

There is still no word on the missing parents.  “We are looking into the matter,” said an unnamed DC  (Dacha Constabulary) spokesperson.  “Better he look fast, or I come after with iron skillet,” Comrade Nezvanova commented curtly.  “Children and goats all jumping on Comrade urania’s fainting couch.  She no like. Comrade Beloved he be in trouble again.” Welsh terrorist Wilkie of the dreaded Dacha Office of Guerilla Gulag Yaptivities (DOGGY for short) has been seen sniffing around the scene of the crime, if crime indeed it is.


And what about urania? She was last seen at the exclusive French clothing galley Fashions to Faint For, purchasing Fortuny dresses and hand embroidered (by Norwegian nuns) nightwear. “Doctors are optimistic she will recover completely from her ill-fated birthday trauma,” said Jarek Ňadra, urania’s personal spokesperson and sometime bra designer for the glitterati.
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Fashions to Faint For

Fashions to Faint For has just received an exclusive delivery of fashions that will make one faint with delight.  Our Fortuny gowns and French coats are exquisite, destined to become collector’s items by Christmas. One is advised not to delay as Christmas is not far way.

Fashions to Faint For is open by appointment only.

Contact Madame Urania de Chanel-Newtoniere.